i already have one
i’m reading this at work and crying at my desk because i’ve never felt so seen or validated in my entire life. wow. this is... so good, so on point, so real. thank you as always for sharing your truth with us.
This was so well written and your thoughts are so valid. If only everyone put this much thought into their families, including, but not limited to, having children. My spouse and I went back and forth for a long time on the question of kids. Ultimately we decided that we wanted to be parents but that we were not interested in lots of fertility treatments etc., and that if we weren’t able to become biologic parents to a child we’d be ok with that outcome. We both talked about feeling as if we could lead awesome fulfilled lives no matter what. This past spring we had our baby and it’s been awesome but also so hard and I can’t imagine doing this if I wasn’t ready. I also acknowledge I have immense privilege in areas of health, supportive family, education, and wealth that let me take a long (by American standards) maternity leave; pay for astronomically $$ daycare, and continue to enjoy things like travel. Despite all this my spouse and I have discussed that we think our family is complete and that we aren’t interested in multiple children. Yet so many people can’t fathom that idea either. In some ways I think people have a harder time with only children than with no kids. My in laws are like “accidents happen” and go on and on about how they couldn’t imagine their family without having had two kids. I tried to point out I grew up in a bigger family and my parents feel the same way about if they’d stopped at two kids and they all missed the point. Long story short, create the family you want and kids aren’t what define a family.
Your perspective is so cherished Sam! I just finished listening to The Retrievals podcast about Yale and it's unethichal infertility clinic--it shook me. As a black queer woman, the maternal death rate is a HUGE reason to reconsider parenthood. But I am not interested in rehashing all these pain points whenever some stranger asks me "KIDS WHEN?" in passing. Your family chosen and made is valid. Period.
Beautifully written and spot on, it is personal and being child free doesn't mean you don't have a rich and fulfilling life! I always knew I wanted to have a child or two and it's funny how no one ever really questions that. Yet, a friend of mine has "just always known" they DIDN'T want a child and deals with all the drama you wrote about here constantly.
I feel so seen by this writing—I have been married for three years and telling people this for three years—I already have a family! and it’s not like the family I grew up with stopped being my family when I moved out. I spend less overall time, but more quality time with my siblings now that we’re adults. But meanwhile my partners grandmother gave us a baby hat our first Christmas after we were married. *eyeroll*. thanks for writing!
Thank you for writing this. I don’t hate kids, I just don’t need my own -- and as much as I respect others’ decisions to have kids, I feel my decision of not to should be respected - although that’s not the case most of the time. Thanks for this Sam.
Love this. I have similar sentiments <3
thank you for putting into words what i feel and think. it is so hard to have made the choice to be childfree sometimes, mostly (in my case) because my interactions are implicitly biased against our decision. it's affirming to know that we are not alone <3
Thank you for sharing so openly Sam. As someone who also struggles with chronic health issues, the idea of being pregnant and the possibly irreversible changes that would come with that are terrifying to me. I struggle a lot, as I know my parents would love a grandchild to dote on. But I can’t have kids for the sake of my parents.
Amen, this is so good and so eloquent <3