Updates + Q&A
Hi, I’m Sam. Welcome! Healing Field Notes Is a Free Newsletter I Send Out Twice a Month. Thank You for Reading.
Hi sweet green beans,
Here are some updates:
If you’ve been around for a little while, you might notice that I’ve switched newsletter platforms. I switched over to SubStack because a feature I really love on here is that newsletters I send out will be added to an archive that can be returned to. There are some essays that I think I’d like to be added to that archive, so I might resend some edited versions of essays I’ve sent out before in the coming months. The good news is that nothing will change for you. I’ll still be in your inbox twice a month with some thoughts, joys, and intentions.
I’m adding a Q&A section to my newsletter. I get asked questions pretty regularly about certain topics like writing, OCD, gender, chronic illness, writing, etc., and I don’t always have the emotional bandwidth to answer them on the spot and/or in my Instagram DMs. Now, you can submit any question you have anonymously by going to this form. I will answer questions once a month in this newsletter and may share some snippets of those answers on Instagram as well. And know if you do not see your question, I will get to it in future newsletters!
I come to this newsletter… tired. It feels really hard for things to feel real when all the work you’re doing or all the people you are talking to are through a screen.
I want to be less of a bummer, but I think I’m having a hard time figuring out what not being a bummer looks like while also honoring that I am having a lot of bummer feelings right now. Everyone I know is either having a breakdown, is sick, or is trying to avoid a breakdown and getting sick. I can’t really tell if I’m managing my bummer feelings pretty well right now or if I’m just like, dissociating.
I love winter. Until we hit February and then I’m convinced the trees will never be green again. My seasonal depression really has nothing to do with cold and more about things growing. Just like I need the tree’s reminder of shedding things and slowing down, I need the flowers’ reminder that I am growing and will bloom again too.
I am learning more and more about the cycles I go through. My creativity has about two weeks of absolute thriving, and then I hit about two weeks of being scared I’ll never have a good idea ever again. My body has 2 weeks of feeling pretty good and then 2 weeks of feeling like I’m in the TRENCHES of my chronic pain. I feel like I’ll be vibing with my mental health and then will be Going Through It™ for a couple of weeks. It’s not an exact science, but my bestie Nic has me really thinking about the moon and I think that shit really impacts me. I’m sure there are other planets doing weird things and just generally things come and go in phases, but I’m trying to be more in tune with them SO I CAN BE COMPASSIONATE TO MYSELF instead of the BIG ASSHOLE I am to myself most often.
And when I say often, I mean I’ve been a big asshole to myself lately. It’s the hardest habit to break. Anytime I do anything there is some judgment attached to it – some inner eye-roll towards myself. There is no compassion in this body right now. I am not in my body right now.
So, I think I’m going to dance every day next month. Yesterday, I just felt BAD. I was dissociating so hard and truly felt like I was living in a simulation. Then, I decided to make soup. As I was making it, I put on a random playlist on Spotify and found myself dancing. Next thing I knew, I was just dancing for the entire song. It was the most connected I’ve felt to myself in months.
Some of my favorite memories in my early twenties are going to the bar with Taylor and dancing until 2 or 3am. Does anyone in Kansas City remember The Foundry on weekend nights? Man, that used to be one of my favorite places to go.
Anyway. I’m going to dance every day in February. I’m gonna pick one song a day and dance to it in its entirety. I’ve tried walking, stretching, yoga – I’ve tried every movement I know to try to feel more embodied. But I haven’t tried dancing.
Here’s to dancing like we’re two gin and tonic’s deep at the Foundry on a Saturday night.
✨joy corner✨
just some things that brought me joy this week or made me giggle
📝intentionality portal📝
taking it slow & paying attention to the things that nourish me & my communities
I re-read this book and it really hit deeper the second time around.
I pre-ordered this book and this book.
I started using Notion thanks for Jenay’s templates and it’s changed my life. You should also subscribe to her newsletter because it’s amazing.
Speaking of newsletters, Jelly Toast is amazing.
Donating to this organization.
I bought this poster and I’m VERY excited about it!
💭 Q&A💭
A note on positionality: positionality describes the factors and intersections that constitute a person's identity, experience, and understanding. I am a white, thin, chronically ill, mentally ill, non-binary person who is actively unlearning internalized biases based in white supremacy and the patriarchy. My intersections inform my responses and know I may not be equipped to answer all questions. I will do my best and share resources and people who may be able to answer your question better or offer a deeper, more nuanced understanding.
DISCLAIMER: I am not a trauma-informed facilitator, therapist, or doctor. I am just a human sharing my perspective, experiences, and insight. If you are in need of crisis resources, you can find some on my website, or please call the Suicide Hotline at 800-273-8255.
Q: What kind of sewing machine do you use? Where do you source your fabric/ patterns?
A: Thank you for asking! I use a Brother GX 37. I got it secondhand, but I know you can get it off Amazon or maybe even a place like Joanns (I saw it’s out of stock right now, so I linked the one on Amazon)! I get my fabric from Etsy (I really like this shop), thrift stores, Joanns, Cottoner Fabrics, or local sewing/fabric shops! As for patterns, the All Well Workshop patterns are super beginner-friendly, as well as Helen’s Closet and Common Stitch, but I honestly have self-drafted most of my own patterns by watching other makers on YouTube. I will link some of my favorite videos here, here, and here. I hope this helps!
Q: I’m in the process of buying a home, and moving away from my beloved community. I know you’ve done this recently, and I am curious the tools you use to cope after leaving your chosen queer family. Did you have conversations around setting a foundation for consistent connection?
A: Gosh, thank you so much for asking this question! I just want to start off by saying I see you and I know that this transition is so hard. I am sending you gentleness and ease. Yes, 100% I had many conversations about consistent connection.
The thing I’ve learned about friendships since moving across the country twice and being immunocompromised during a pandemic is that intentionality is huge. Connection requires that both people are intentional about connection. The thing I am always grappling with is having grace for my friends because we are all Going Through It™ and also knowing that a big part of me Making It Through It™ is connecting with people I love consistently. My friends know this. My friends and I also know that sometimes, we may not text each other for a few days at a time. But we’ve had conversations that set expectations. If we don’t have the capacity, we communicate that clearly. If we drop the ball on communicating, we apologize, talk about it, and take action steps to do better next time.
But there is a part of this that’s also really important – not every conversation needs to be or SHOULD BE a heavy one. I feel like when you are separated or are not talking on a super consistent basis, it’s easy to drop into the “Hey, how are you doing?” kind of questions? Let’s be real, we’re probably all doing badly (if you’re not, shout out to you!). I’ve been really trying to just send my people things that make me think of them, short little texts or reminders, or silly selfies. Having the big conversations and emotional support will and should happen, but only having the heavy check-ins can make connecting across space and time feel hard and laborious. This is a hard thing I had to learn.
Another thing that has changed the game in communicating across space and time? VOICE MESSAGES. Sometimes, it’s just a lot easier to talk out loud about something instead of texting it. Or, it can be really fun to just send small snippets of something that happened. Or if you have an iPhone, those memoji things that are different animals where you can record 30-second snippets as a giraffe or unicorn? Absolute joy.
The hard truth I’ve learned is that, despite any and all of this, you may lose friends. If/when that happens, allow yourself to grieve it. A part of the moving process that I don’t think a lot of people talk about is the hard grief that comes with knowing you are making a decision that is absolutely right for you and is one that comes with a lot of sadness. My biggest advice is to just really talk to your people. Communicate your needs clearly, ask for what you want, and be compassionate and flexible as we all try to exist across space and time. The simplest lesson I’ve learned in relationships is, the people who want to make it happen, will. And those who can’t – can’t. I am sending you so much love during this transition. I see you and am holding space for both the excitement and grief of what comes next.
Q: How do you not feel like a gender? I don’t understand that. And would you ever have surgery to remove parts? To the world, you present as female. You seem feminine in all you do. So I’m just confused.
A: There are a lot of layers here, so I will do my best to answer them all. First, the simplest way I can answer the first part of your question is that I simply do not identify with womanhood. I was raised as a girl and a woman and that informs my experience, and I can deeply relate to the experience of women, but I do not identify as a woman. I do not identify as a man either and in no way connect with manhood either. I really just feel like I don’t exist within a gender at all. I do not feel like I fit in the binary so I am non-binary.
Second, I currently do not have plans to have any surgeries done because my body itself is not a huge source of dysphoria. However, my period can be dysphoric for me, so I have considered getting an IUD for this reason, but have decided it’s not the move for me right now. As for the, “You present as female” part, I would ask that you consider unpacking what you assume females and males look like and also unweaving gender from sex. You cannot tell someone’s gender just by looking at them. As for the “feminine” part, I get that I present in ways that are traditionally more “feminine,” but I also think that what we deem as “masculine” and “feminine” is exactly the kind of binary I am looking to unravel. Who’s to say what’s feminine? Masculine? The white, cis, patriarchal society that we live in? I’m not interested in anything those systems have to say. Gender is fluid and non-binary people may present in ways that the world assumes are binary, but this is one of the many things that we are pushing to deconstruct.
I think, ultimately, you don’t have to understand something to respect it. I’m not saying you don’t respect it, but I think the desire to understand something is valid AND it’s okay if you don’t. HOWEVER, I think it would be really important for you to listen to read other queer, non-binary, and gender non-conforming folks, especially Black, brown, and Indigenous humans because my whiteness impacts the way I think of gender as well, which is something I am also unlearning. I think the best thing to do to understand something more deeply is to hear more people talk about it. So, I’ve compiled some resources for you to check out:
Beyond The Gender Binary by Alok Vaid-Menon and this YouTube video where they talk about their book.
This episode of The Man Enough Podcast
This conversation between KB Brookins and Shane Whalley
This article about another’s experience using she/they pronouns
Read articles on Autostraddle and just generally read more queer media
I tried to answer this as tenderly as I could because I know it’s hard to ask these questions, and know I am just one voice who is also learning and unlearning.
I wanted to say a big thanks to everyone who sent in questions! I know I did not get to many of them, so please know I will be answering many more next month! Want to submit a question? You can do so by clicking here.
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Thanks for sticking around.
Love,
Sam