On Journaling

An avenue back to myself

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You may be surprised to learn that, as a writer, it’s been years since I’ve filled up a journal. It usually goes like this: I reach a point of motivation or inspiration, decide I need a fresh new journal, buy a Moleskine, use it for about three entries (usually across a few weeks or in a back-to-back burst of a few days), then it lays abandoned until it feels like too much time has passed to revisit where it ends up in the recycling bin or placed among books near me that I swear I’ll get back to soon, but I never do. The cycle repeats.

I haven’t filled a journal since I was probably in high school–until this year. Something that has always been hard about journaling for me is that it’s impossible to run from myself. I can’t lie to myself in my journal or create narratives that satisfy someone else. It’s just me and my words in front of me, and if I try to hide the truth, I can feel a discomfort and tension in my body that makes journaling extremely unpleasant. If I’m trying to lie to myself in my journal, there’s something in my life that needs addressing.

In high school, I loved journaling, but more than that, I loved the practice of scrapbooking. I used to cut out magazine spreads, doodle, take film photos, arrange it all in a sketchbook, and write what I can only imagine was a really dramatic entry about love or a bad poem inspired by something I found on Tumblr. I loved it and it was always honest.

My journals from high school

I’m on track to finish a journal by the end of this month. I made a goal to finish a Midori MD B6 Slim Lined Notebook per quarter and fill out a daily page in my A6 Hobonichi Techo. I started journaling seriously in November, when my life completely changed. It was the only way I knew how to make sense of what was going on, how I felt about everything, and how to reconnect with the person I wanted to be again–because I had strayed from that.

There is no way to hide from my life in my journal. Completing a daily page in my Hobonichi helps me notice where I spend my time and how I fill my days. I started the year by filling the page with three sections: a memory/gratitude from the day, something I learned, and something to release. If there are days it feels harder to find a gratitude, I enter the next day with more intentionality and noticing. If I notice I didn’t learn something, I seek out knowledge. And there is something to release daily, which helps me go into the next day with a clearer head.

My MD Notebook started as my Morning Pages journal when I began The Artists Way in Janurary. My reading dropped off (I’ll do all 12 weeks one day), but the journaling stayed. It’s where I go after my therapy sessions to reflect and work out the Brain Blasts™ that my therapist drops each week. It’s where I’m learning about myself again and where I can put words on the page without the pressure of them being consumed or edited.

I’ve been bringing joy back into my journaling practice. I got a cute little printer to aid in scrapbooking, bought a really cute sticker book from a local queer shop, and am enjoying leaning into what I already have when it comes to pens, markers, and highlighters. I multi-task by watching episodes of Good Children or UNHhhh when I need some company while filling the pages. I’ve been texting journal tour videos to

Claire

, my ultimate journaling inspiration, because I’m leaning more into interpersonal relationships and away from parasocial ones.

Some days, I just braindump; others, I make little collage pages of the day’s events. I have been mood-tracking, which has helped me notice patterns more clearly. Sometimes, I fall asleep early and don’t do my journal page for the day; others, I stay up late to make sure the page gets done. But regardless of how or when I journal, how clear (or not) my handwriting is, or how many mistakes I end up crossing out or covering with stickers–I am committed to showing up to myself. I’m not running anymore. I’m not letting myself run on auto-pilot only to wake up one day and realize everything about my life isn’t what I imagined for myself.

It doesn’t have to be that deep if you don’t want it to be. But I think there’s something important about being able to face ourselves and how that can give us more capacity to face the world with a clearer head and a more regulated nervous system.

Some spreads from my Hobonichi Techo

Here are some prompts to explore in your journal–whether it’s been lying unused for months or you write every day:

• What parts of yourself have you been hiding from? How can you bring those parts to light in your journal pages?

• Where can you incorporate fun and play into your journaling practice? Stickers? Scrapbooking? Film Photos? Doodling? Explore.

• What parts of yourself do you fear bumping up against in your journal? How can you greet those parts with tenderness and solace?

Journaling affirmations:

My handwriting doesn’t have to be pretty to journal.

Crossing something out does not ruin a page.

I do not have to journal every day for it to be a hobby I love.

I can change how I journal or the process of my journaling mid-journal.

I can collage over a page I do not like.

I do not have to have new, expensive supplies to make my journal look and feel good.

Journal pages do not have to contain a profound insight. They are allowed to be silly.

I can tell the truth in my journal pages.

Journaling is fun and not a high-pressure hobby.

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My current faves + some shops I love, if you are looking for some fun new journaling treats:

• Pilot Juice Up Gel Pen 0.4

• Midliner Double-Ended Highlighter

• Pentel Color Pen Fine Point

• LePen, always

• Fun washi tape

• Polaroid Hi Print Pocket Photo Printer

• The Big Book of Queer Stickers

• Hobonichi Techo

• This cover for my Hobonichi Techo

• MD Notebook B6 Slim

• Stickers from Greenwich Letterpress

• Stickers from Renographics for the cover of my journals

• Anything from Wonderfair

Thanks for sticking around.

Love,