Just Because I Can, Doesn’t Mean I Should

On caring for myself

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I have once again found myself reaching for something that is likely too far away for me to reach while I recover from top surgery. It was suggested to me to practice using “t-rex” arms beforehand to get used to keeping my arms close to my chest. I find myself thinking that because I’m not reaching my arms above my head, I’m following the doctor’s orders, but a far reach is still a far reach no matter where it is.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with caring for myself. The first couple of days of the first week of my top surgery recovery, I laid on the couch, napped an entire day, and allowed myself to watch all the shitty YouTube videos my heart desired. But Wednesday rolled around and I found myself getting restless.

I am not one who stays still easily. Despite how much I love my home, I don’t consider myself a homebody. I like to move around town, sit at coffee shops, plan my next travel, schedule my next event, or work a few part-time gigs. Even when I am home, I’m cleaning, tidying, redecorating, reorganizing, cooking, reading, journaling, going on a walk, or popping out for breakfast or lunch in between working.

I’ve long considered my relationship with spending time with myself and have really come to really enjoy it. I don’t mind my own company at all, but I have been considering my relationship to caring for myself.

Being home alone during the majority of my recovery means I have to pay attention to my body, consider my own limits, and not put myself in places of potentially harmful situations. My partner has cared for me a lot during this time, and even still, I often don’t ask for help with I need it. I reach too high for a dish, feel too embarrassed to ask for assistance wiping after the bathroom, or say I’m feeling fine when we’re out bopping around even if I’m actually in a lot of pain. Why do I do this?

I have been considering my relationship with self-punishment and self-harm. I haven’t cut myself in over four years, but that isn’t to say I’m self-harm free. I’ve been considering a lot of the ways I show up for myself–how I speak up for my needs, how I change the pathways in my brain that tell me that my needs and wants are simply too much, and how my relationship with myself cultivates love.

What I know about self-harm is that, for me, it’s been used as an avenue to avoid a more uncomfortable feeling. If I can cause myself pain physically, I won’t have to reckon with the emotional or mental pain I feel. This is what I told myself.

There are so many buzzwords around self-care and self-love. I worked with a therapist for months around self-compassion and changing how I talked to myself. My inner dialogue is much gentler most of the time, but my actions toward myself may not be.

I find that I often times put myself in hurtful situations or even physical pain to avoid asking for help. I am working deeply on identifying and rewiring the parts of me that believe my needs and wants are inconvenient at best and insignificant at worst.

But despite ability to now mentally and emotionally nurture myself, I’m not always physically nurturing myself. It is once again a reminder that reparenting myself isn’t a linear process or one that has a destination. It’s ever-changing and ongoing, and my most toxic behaviors rear their heads in new ways I have to consider throughout my lifetime in order to stay aligned with my values.

This isn’t to say I’m an ongoing project or that self-improvement is something we need to be chasing at all times. I see it more as an ongoing commitment to being in community with all the parts of myself that deserve love, care, and reciprocity so that I can then pour those things into my outward community.

Ensuring that I recover from top surgery the best I can will allow me to have access to the body that empowers me to move through the world in a way that is more aligned with my gender experience. Having the privilege to do this will give me more energy and confidence to move toward my values and show up in my relationships and the world the way I want.

I am learning that just because I can physically do something, doesn’t necessarily mean that I should. I don’t have to do it alone, and sometimes, I will be alone, and in that solitude, I must ask myself where I can give myself accommodations. Where can I be gentler? How can I change the way I move to invite more ease? How can I ensure I don’t push myself past my limit just because I have before? What can I do to honor my limits? Because I think honoring those limits is a way we practice the utmost self-care.

It is true that sometimes we have to push beyond our limits, but I am also considering whether that is even true. Is the mere idea of pushing ourselves yet another facet of capitalism and white supremacy that we’ve internalized? Is this, in fact, my own internalized abelism I am reckoning with? When we expect people or ourselves to push their limits, what does this say about how we practice care and tenderness as a whole?

I don’t have answers to these questions, but I am practicing curiosity. There is nothing like major surgery to have you considering all you know about love, care, comfort, and safety. May we all be curious about how we care for ourselves and how that care reverberates outward.

Pride month mood

Through the raffle I posted recently, we collectively raised $945 ($745 through Venmo & PayPal combined, plus the $200 I said I’d match). A raffle is just one of the many ways we can help raise money for families in Gaza, but just know you can give to any link, any time. Check out Operation Olive Branch to find a family that resonates with you.

If you feel overwhelmed by finding a family, there are so many people online sharing families that they are connected to. You can also continue to support Noha, Areej, and their families. Let’s get them to their goal. Wondering about where your money is going? Read the post below.

palestineasdiqa

A post shared by @palestineasdiqa

‘Sometimes I wonder if I’ll come back’: Palestinian birdwatchers defy danger to scan the skies

Let’s help Lenna get closer to their top surgery fundraising goal!

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Love,