I Used Old Spice Then Changed My Pronouns to They/Them

The beard filter also helped

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I’ve spent months being too scared to do it. I always wondered if abandoning ‘she’ meant abandoning myself or the little girl in me that I’ve been working so hard to take care of. I do not want her to feel abandoned again.

I wasn’t sure if I could handle the fact that the world would always see me as a lady, ma’am, woman, or girl. In many ways, ‘she’ was a protective layer between me and perception. A barrier between me and the misunderstandings of others. Between me and a lot of harder conversations with family members or strangers.

I’ve been cycling through the questions of: What is actually true for me? What is the fear I’m holding? Am I just scared of the inconvenience? What does non-binary even mean?

What is true for me is that the expansiveness of what I feel inside of myself doesn’t fit inside language. If I think about it, the pronouns we know are a part of English grammar, which originated in England and have been exported to other parts of the world through British colonization. But inside the lexicon I inherited, ‘they’ feels the most true, the most expensive, and the least binary. Although, there is so much unlearning to be done around how white supremacy is upheld in white, queer spaces. There is a lot of yes, and to be worked through. I am working.

I recently spoke on my Instagram story about how I don’t always like to explain myself, especially my gender. I’m a chronic over-explainer, and I’m trying to unlearn this habit. I always feel I have to explain my needs, decisions, and wants. A trauma response, I’m sure. Instagram doesn’t always allow for nuance and expansiveness for what I want to say, but I do love talking about being non-binary because it was in someone else’s writing that I saw myself. Maybe one day someone will read my words and think, “Oh, that resonates!”

AND with this public conversation of my gender, I’m often asked (by cis people) to explain what it all means when there are so many resources for you to start working to dismantle the gender binary. What I do what to say, however, is if you are on your gender exploration journey, my DMs and email are ALWAYS open to you. I also have a list of poems and poets that helped me during my gender exploration journey.

I had a call with a friend recently where they mentioned that they don’t use their non-binary identity as a part of their “marketing,” I felt my body tense up. They didn’t outwardly say that’s what they think I do, but it felt implied and I felt self-conscious about talking about my non-binary identity so publicly. Will people just think it’s a marketing ploy? A part of my brand? I am so fucking sick of being thought of as a brand. Yes, there are specific things I talk about on the internet that people may consider “on brand.” But those are just my likes, passions, and hobbies. Yes, I sometimes make money by taking on partnerships with brands that resonate with my likes, goals, and values; we live in capitalism. But I am not a brand. I am just a person sharing my life on the internet because it’s something I like to do and because writing is what keeps me alive. I am sharing I’m non-binary on the internet because finding community in a pandemic is difficult. I’m sharing my life on the internet because it’s fun (most of the time).

I’m over-explaining again. Or maybe I’m just telling the truth of the thoughts that swirl around in my head every single day as a person who is Very Online.

All I can say is that I was largely keeping my ‘she’ pronoun for the comfort and ease of others, which is not and has never been a good reason to do something. I use they/them pronouns. And sometimes I’m my husband’s baby girl. Sometimes I’m his homeboy and pal. I will always respond when my friends call me dude. I pretend that every love song about some girl is about me. I am a silly little guy. I feel a connection with women. I feel a connection with the queers who came before me. Sometimes I use a beard filter and think I’m the hottest person I’ve ever seen. I love that I have so many non-binary friends, and every one of them is so different. I love that I’m non-binary and that every day I wake up, I feel different.

I’m not an expert in gender, just in my gender. I know that Old Spice in the scent Timber sent me into a bout of gender euphoria that kept me high for days and made me consider how it’s ridiculous that anything is gendered at all. I love wearing long, linen dresses and short skirts make me uncomfortable. I am growing my hair back out even though I get questions almost every day if I’m going to cut my hair to fit someone else’s idea of androgyny. There is nothing more bisexual to me than a messy top bun. My gender and sexuality are in conversation with one another and I am still teasing that out.

Everything I know about existing is that we grow and change; if I’m not growing and changing, I’m not living in my values. How I feel about being non-binary is so much different than when I came out two years ago, and I pray every day that I live another two years and feel completely different then.

image description: a photo collage of 6 images. top left, my hand with green nail polish holding a vine of red tomatoes. bottom left, a tweet that reads “thoughts and prayers to whichever future bake off stars are having to make baked alaska in a tent somewhere rn.” top center, a photo of a pink and orange sunset. middle center, a tweet that reads, “what are your pronouns? why what are you saying about me?” bottom center, a photo of 8 peach tartlets topped with toasted almonds and an icing glaze. right center, a photo of a park in austria that has pickle sculptures lined up in a row.

I can’t stop obsessing over this podcast.

This essay is incredible.

St. Louis experienced some detrimental flooding a couple of weeks ago. Donate here, here, and here to those in need.

I’m reading this book next.

Here are more queer books.

I’m loving this poster.

I’m watching a lot of YouTube on how to tile.

I took a workshop from Staci K. Haines through The Embody Lab and feel connected to joy and a vision toward a healing world.

I listened to Marlee’s subscriber-only podcast about knowing if we are gay. You should subscribe and listen (they are getting top surgery today, and bless them & sending all good healing their way).

I literally cannot stop listening to this song.

It’s August! This means Curiosity Container returns! Keep your eyes peeled closer to the end of the month. Until then, submit your questions here.

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Love,