Hi, sweet beans. Thanks for reading Healing Field Notes, a newsletter I send out twice a month. This newsletter will always be a free offering. However, consider a paid subscription if you’d like to support my writing.
I dress in neutrals. I feel my hottest when I’m in an all-black or all-cream outfit. I love reaching for browns and the occasional olive green or rust orange to mix it up, but every once in a while, I’ll come across a frilly pink dress, and there is something inside me that dances.
Generally, I am most comfortable when I’m not thinking about my gender. I like clothes that don’t make me feel too frilly and wear pants with elastic waist because, in many ways, the less I think about my body, the less I think about my gender.
My best friend and I always joke about how we are dark mode and light mode personified, but they don’t know that sometimes, I envy their light mode. They are so good at leaning into the hyper-femme and looking flawless. I think we get along so well because there is a strawberry shortcake somewhere in me too. Every gift I got for them this Christmas was strawberry or fruit themed, and I thought about keeping one for myself.
I often go to my friend, Kate, for colorful outfit inspiration. I have seen her put on a sheer pink dress and parts of myself in it. I never really played dress up as a kid or had any dresses I loved, but Kate brings out the teen girl in me that wore a puffy pink dress to prom junior year. I love her.
A big part of my style journey has been realizing that I can like something without adding it to my closet, although there are times the urge is strong. The other day, I was having a bad anxiety day. I wanted to stay in my pajamas all day, but I knew I'd feel better if I got dressed and did my hair the way I liked. I put on a black top and white stretchy pants with my pair of boots I feel the most powerful in, and it turned my whole day around.
Those who do not understand the expansiveness of gender may not understand the feeling of using they/them pronouns and feeling like a silly little guy most days but then suddenly wanting to be a fairy princess.
Sometimes, I only call myself a non-binary femme because I know that’s how other people perceive me. I have no desire to cut my hair shorter than right above my chin, I tried a dress for Thanksgiving this year and felt dysphoric, and I love glitter eyeshadow. Multitudes. I would be happier being perceived as genderless because that’s how I feel inside, but that’s not the reality of our world.
I don’t mind so much these days if someone uses she/her pronouns for me because I get it. But if I were to dress hyper-femme more often, I fear it’d bring out a dysphoria in me I can’t quite make sense of yet. I’m firmly in the camp that I don’t think anything is inherently gendered. Things are only gendered because we’ve been conditioned to think they are. But the other day, I did some online window shopping and came across a pink dress I haven’t stopped dreaming about. So today, let’s allow the hyper-femme light mode in me to dream. Here’s a make-believe shopping list just for her:
If I had a Christmas party to go to, this is what I’d wear.
But this may be more realistic.
Coffee date? You’d find me showing up in this.
It’s a dream to host a fancy soup night in this.
Cherry bubblegum comes to life.
These boots were made for walking.
Taking me ice skating so I can wear this.
Let’s go on a hike.
Everyone needs a water bottle.
It’s fun imagining a hyper-femme alter-ago who wears bright colors and dresses. Sometimes I think of this photoshoot and say, “Yep, that’s it.” Florence Pugh posted a photo set that made me think, “Do I want to be her, or do I want to kiss her?”
I still haven’t made sense of my gender other than I know it’s all made up. But I think there’s a lot of fun in that. Today, I have bubblegum dreams.
“If I see another product that says anti-aging on the label, I’m suing. I’m going to sue.”
Bodies changing are the only guarantee.
Pre-order KB’s book now! Support Black queer art!
If you missed it, you can find last month’s episode of the Healing Field Notes podcast here. I talk about taking cues from the season, how not to become our mothers, and share some writing advice. If you’d like to ask a question anonymously, you can fill out this Google Form.
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Love,
I spent *years* trying to explain why overalls made me feel like a powerful and self assured person
I feel like you're inside my brain! You've absolutely put into words how I feel, especially with "A big part of my style journey has been realizing that I can like something without adding it to my closet, although there are times the urge is strong." THANK YOU <3