A Soup for Every Mood + Q&A
Hi, I’m Sam. Welcome! Healing Field Notes Is a Free Newsletter I Send Out Twice a Month. Thank You for Reading.
I don’t have a lot to say other than I ate soup four days in a row last week and, each time, it made me feel a little better. So here are some soups to make depending on your mood.
If you’re looking for some full-bellied comfort, make this vegan cauliflower and broccoli soup. It has everything you could ever want. Plus, it’s my favorite.
If you’re feeling angry at the world, make this roasted tomato and red pepper soup and while you are peeling the skin off your charred bell peppers, imagine you’re peeling away your anger to find what’s buried underneath (as a final kick, add some red pepper flakes 🔥).
Here is a recipe for some coconut curry ramen if you’re feeling sad. There’s just something about being sad that makes me want noodles.
If you’re feeling happy and want to lean into that (honestly, jealous), then make this little zingy lemony orzo chickpea soup. Plus, it has dill. Who the hell doesn’t love dill?
Speaking of dill… If you are feeling surprised, astonished, or energetic, this dill pickle soup is shockingly delicious. Listen, you know I LOVE pickles. But I was skeptical of this one. But it slaps. 10/10 would recommend.
Feeling tired? This recipe requires you to chop one thing: a potato and then you just blend the rest. This garlic chickpea soup is there for you when you need something nourishing, creamy, and have juuuuuust enough energy to chop a potato. Because, in my opinion, a potato is worth the effort.
Drown your fear in soup and this cozy autumn wild rice soup. It makes me think of all my comfort shows, the inevitable return of orange leaves, and just is very predictable. Which, honestly, is something I think we all need a little bit of right now.
None of these soups giving you what you’re looking for? That’s okay. I have a whole soup database you can search through here. It’s an ongoing document and I update it when I find a new recipe. Feel free to bookmark and come back to it because I believe there really is a soup for every mood.
✨joy corner✨
just some things that brought me joy or made me giggle
I laughed A LOT when Shayne from Love is Blind wore his fucking APPLE WATCH to his wedding????! I knew that guy sucked but that was the last straw for me.
📝intentionality portal📝
taking it slow & paying attention to the things that nourish me & my communities
Reading this essay about Mental Health and Revolutionary Discipline.
Supporting the Transgender Education Network of Texas.
I’ve added a (non-exhaustive) list of Organizations to Support to my Gender & LGBTQIA+ resources page on my website.
Following and returning to Vera Papisova’s Instagram to find resources to learn about the situation in Ukraine, as well as things to share and places to donate.
I’m watching Winter on Fire: Ukraine’s Fight for Freedom on Netflix.
Sending this tweet and this tweet to everyone I know.
Looking at this feelings wheel to slow down and really figure out what I’m feeling so I can tend to myself with more compassion.
💭 Q&A💭
A note on positionality: positionality describes the factors and intersections that constitute a person's identity, experience, and understanding. I am a white, thin, chronically ill, mentally ill, non-binary person who is actively unlearning internalized biases rooted in white supremacy and the patriarchy. My intersections inform my responses and know I may not be equipped to answer all questions. I will do my best and share resources and people who may be able to answer your question better or offer a deeper, more nuanced understanding.
DISCLAIMER: I am not a trauma-informed facilitator, therapist, or doctor. I am just a human sharing my perspective, experiences, and insight. If you are in need of crisis resources, you can find some on my website, or please call the Suicide Hotline at 800-273-8255.
Q: I’m curious to know more about how you and your partner speak about/navigate your gender identity as a couple. Did you come out to him before or after your met? What was it like to ask him to support you? Do you have any advice for folks in committed relationships who may not know how to create a space for these convos? I am a nonbinary femme with a husband who has uncertainty/fear about how to handle my desire to come out more publicly; I want to help but don’t know where to start. Thanks for considering answering and for sharing your life with us.
A: I came out to DJ after we met. In fact, about two years after we met because it wasn’t until about 2 years into our relationship I had the realization I’m non-binary (well, I think I knew for longer but I didn’t let myself verbalize it for a long time). I remember how nervous I was to first say something to him. I was so nauseous when we sat down to talk. When I first told him I was thinking about using ‘they’ pronouns, we had a LONG conversation where I asked him what he already understood about gender. Because we have queer and trans friends and because he’s a smart and aware dude, he already had a lot of context and understanding.
When we talked about what it meant for me to come out and how it would change us, I ultimately told him the biggest thing I wanted to see change was how he thought of me and my gender. He fell in love with me when I identified as a woman and I wanted him to shift his understanding of who I am. This has happened over time and, honestly, is a conversation we have to return to often. In fact, when I wrote this answer I asked for his take on it and he said: “It took me some time and I had to sit with my own understanding of my sexuality. But ultimately, I fell in love with you and gender doesn’t matter to me in the sense that it doesn’t change how I think of you. But understanding it makes me feel closer to you.”
While there may be a lot of explaining and conversations that will come from you, what I would say is it’s partially his responsibility to deconstruct his idea of gender (I have resources here if you wanna send them to him). If he has fear or uncertainty, ask him what that’s rooted in? Is it because of other people not understanding? Or is it something he’s internalized about gender and sexuality? It may be a good idea to have a chat about what advocating for you looks like. He may have to advocate for you if someone misgenders you. Does he feel equipped to do that? How can you both feel equipped to navigate those situations? For example, I asked my partner to exclusively use ‘they’ pronouns around his family to help shift the understanding around my gender with them, but that took time. He wants to support me fully in that, so we had conversations about what that looks and sounds like.
But the truth I think is really important for him or anyone with a non-binary or trans partner to know is: your coming out more publicly, in a lot of ways, should excite him. That means that you are stepping into your most authentic self. You are honoring your multitudes and those multitudes will only allow you to be deeper in connection.
I also want to name there’s a lot of privilege that comes with being a non-binary femme being in a relationship that is hetero-presenting. While I don’t know what you look like, as a femme myself, I understand that we will likely never experience gender-based violence based on what we look like. There’s a LOT of nuance here (there’s a whole other conversation that could dive into femme invisibility in the queer community, along with general assumptions around outward expression and queer identity, but that can be for another newsletter). Overall, I do think it’s important to acknowledge that privilege and possibly have a conversation with your husband about what advocating and respecting the LGBTQIA+ community looks like.
At the end of the day, in the same way we carve out time to have conversations about the future, sex, what to have for dinner, vacations, etc., carve some time out to chat about gender. DJ and I revisit it often. Asking him to support me was scary, but it was the best thing I had ever done. I hold him accountable if/when he slips up and he apologizes and we move on. While you can help guide him towards deeper understanding, remember it’s not your sole responsibility to do so. While it can and should be a collaborative thing, he has to be accountable for some of that work, too.
I’m sending love to you on that journey and know I see you. These conversations take time. You’ve got this.
Q: What is your relationship with self-pleasure (I know this is super personal so only answer if you’re comfortable of course. It’s helpful to hear different perspectives of other queer people and other disabled/chronically ill pals)?
A: I’m actually planning a whole essay around this, but I’ll give a little snapshot here. While it is not diagnosed, I am pretty fucking certain I have vaginismus (the article I liked is super gendered, but it explains it pretty well). I haven’t been able to have pain-free sex for years. I haven’t been able to use a tampon or menstrual cup. Alongside this, as a person with a chronic illness and chronic pain, my body just generally feels like an unsafe place to be a lot of the time.
Over the last year or so, I’ve really prioritized self-pleasure. It’s one place where I am teaching myself how to be mindful, how to go slow, and how to understand my own boundaries. It’s also something I am actively trying to destigmatize within myself. As I’m sure is true for many of us, I didn’t receive… any sex education. To be REALLY vulnerable here, I don’t think I ever masturbated until I was like, 20? 21? years old. I didn’t know how to do it and I honestly thought it was gross for a really long time (hello purity culture WHAT’S UP).
I’m unraveling that and learning how to feel safe in my body. I’m learning what feels good and what my boundaries are so I can explain them to my partner. All of this to say, it’s really empowering figuring out what feels good and it’s good to relearn intimacy in a way that feels good for both of us. I’m going to find a queer-affirming gynecologist soon because I know I need some pelvic floor physical therapy, but for now, it’s been a great way to remind my body I can feel safe. And more specifically, that I can make my own body feel safe. That has been really good for my chronic illness. It’s good to know my body isn’t this scary thing all the time. In fact, it can feel really good sometimes too.
Q: When dealing with chronic illness and many doctors and specialists, have you ever asked to see your own chart and if so how was that received by the doctor? Sometimes I feel like I’m spinning wheels to get answers and I wonder if the doctors are even hearing me, I’d like to see what kinds of notes they are even taking. I’m afraid of coming off as paranoid and not being taken seriously.
A: I’m so glad you asked this question and I want to start by saying, gosh, the self-advocacy journey at the doctor is so so laborious and I know how exhausting it can be. Sending you tenderness on that journey. I have not personally asked to see charts, but what I can tell you is that you are not paranoid in wanting to see how the doctors are perceiving your symptoms. A part of self-advocacy for me was asking explicitly what diagnosis they had considered, ruled out, what tests they were planning on doing, and why they weren’t planning on doing others.
For example, when I was experiencing pericarditis, I found out the first doctor didn’t even do scans of my chest. They did scans of my ABDOMEN… WHY? I will never know. But I was so freaked and flabbergasted that I didn’t ask any questions. Three weeks went by and when I saw my THIRD doctor, I asked explicitly for a CT scan of my chest as well as a metabolic comprehensive blood panel. This is when I learned I was one day away from my heart freaking bursting! So!
All of this to say, you are allowed to ask to see your records. You are allowed to ask any and all questions regarding your health. You are allowed to ask for second opinions. There are no questions too small. There is no question that is paranoid. I think the power dynamics that exist in medical care are super messed up and what we need to remember is: they are there to HELP US. And yes, it’s exhausting to advocate for yourself when you are in pain and have limited energy already and just want answers. Not to mention the extra exhaustion that can come at the doctor if you have a marginalized identity. But I promise you, asking exactly for what you want and need is always worth it – even if that means you have to find a different provider. Any step forward in self-advocacy is a step towards answers.
Another tip: ask for someone to help you along the process by writing and practicing a script of questions! That’s what I did. I wrote a list of notes and questions I had and read it off the paper at an appointment so I would not get off track. I hope this helps and that you get the answers you’re looking for. I’m sending you so much healing energy.
Also, I’m reading an advanced copy of the book, The Invisible Kingdom: Reimagining Chronic Illness, right now. It comes out tomorrow. I HIGHLY recommend reading it.
Q: What have been some instrumental realizations/helpful resources for you for OCD treatment?
A: I’ll start by saying this: I think I’ve always known I’ve had OCD. Because of the stigmatization of OCD, I never felt like I could really say I was or pursue a diagnosis because I truly do have some of the “mainstream” symptoms of OCD such as excessive handwashing, cleaning, and checking. So what I’ll say first is that an instrumental realization for my OCD treatment was that mental health stigmas REALLY impede the process which is why I am so open about my experience now.
My old therapist actually came in STRONG and was like, “Uh, I think you need intensive outpatient treatment,” which kind of sent me into a spiral. But after I took some time to sit with that and research the program she recommended (that I never actually went to) I started reading and researching a BUNCH about it. I followed a CRAP TON of accounts from OCD therapists and people with OCD. I followed their accounts and took note of things I experienced.
For example, I saw a post on Obsessively Ever After’s page that talked about magical thinking and that specific language I didn’t have before is something I brought into my first psychiatrist appointment. I also follow Haley Jakobson, who was the first person I ever followed who talked openly about their experience with OCD and I related so much. I also read a lot of articles on NOCD. I got the Self-Compassion Workbook for OCD and looked through it to see if it resonated (which it FULLY DID). Here are some other accounts that really helped me:
As a reminder, Instagram IS NOT a substitute for therapy. It is especially not a replacement for ERP (Exposure Response Prevention), which is the gold standard treatment for OCD. NOCD offers virtual OCD therapists in your state. You can also find resources on InclusiveTherapists.com, Open Path Collective, and Psychology Today.
I hope these resources are helpful or can be a jumping-off point. Sending you a lot of love.
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Love,
Sam